The Past Couple of Months:
You may be wondering where the hell I’ve been the past couple of months since my last post. Well, let me tell you.
I have been stuck. Stuck between two worlds: recovery and my eating disorder. To most people, the answer would seem obvious. Choose freaking recovery! But if you’ve ever been in this place, you know that making that choice is far from easy. In fact, it feels like the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.
I want nothing more than to be healthy — to truly recover — and yet, I’ve spent these past few months tethered between both paths. Some days I’m “doing well” in recovery. I eat. I rest. I feel like maybe I can do this. And then the “bad” days come. The ones that make me question everything. The ones that diminished any hope I had. The ones that whisper, go back.
Yes, I know recovery isn’t linear. I know there are ups and downs. But lately, it feels like I’ve been on a constant downward slope, barely holding on. I keep telling myself I want recovery, but the actual work of choosing recovery over and over again is exhausting.
I am sure that many can relate to this feeling, as I know that none of us wants to live with an eating disorder. I also know how difficult it is to be alone in this decision, so here I am trying to decipher whether we should choose recovery or fall into the hands of our ED.
So the past couple of months, that’s where I have been. Stuck between crossroads where the decision I choose could shape the rest of my life.
I know I’m not alone in this feeling. I know that deep down, none of us actually wants to live this way. And I also know how isolating it can feel to be stuck in this decision. That’s why I’m writing this now — to try to work through this choice and to ask out loud: What are we really choosing when we choose recovery? And what are we giving up if we don’t?
The Real Benefits of Recovery:
Let’s start with the good stuff — the stuff that reminds us why it’s even worth doing this.
Physically, recovery changes everything. We get our energy back. Our body starts to work again because it’s finally getting the fuel it needs. Our immune system strengthens. Our digestion heals. (And for me, that’s a big deal because that means less bloating, less pain, fewer GI issues. Our skin stops looking grey and cold. Our hair stops falling out. Overall, our body starts to feel alive again!
Mentally and emotionally, recovery gives us the chance to finally heal. We start to feel less anxious and less depressed. Our thoughts become clearer as brain fog and food noise begin to disappear. We start to build emotional resilience. And slowly, we begin to develop self-compassion and love, which is something I know my eating disorder has definitely tried to rob me of over and over.
But beyond all of that, the biggest benefit is freedom.
Freedom from food rules. Freedom from obsessive thoughts. Freedom to show up in our lives fully — to eat the food, make the memories, go out with friends without feeling like we are hiding half of ourselves. We start to remember who we are underneath the disorder, and that truly is the most liberating feeling of all.
The Perceived Benefits of Staying Sick:
Now let’s be real — if there weren’t some perceived “benefits” to choosing our eating disorders over recovery, it wouldn’t be so hard to let go.
For starters, we feel like we’re in control because following the rules feels safe. We avoid feeling other emotions because the eating disorder numbs them out. We chase the illusion of the “perfect body,” or the relief that comes from purging, restricting, and overexercising. There’s a sick kind of comfort in it because it’s what we know, and it becomes our identity.
But here’s the harsh truth: those “benefits”? They don’t last.
They’re quick fixes that lead to long-term destruction. I know this because I lived it. The restricting, the binging, the purging — it nearly stopped my heart. Now I live with the consequences: low stamina, random chest pains, a body that’s been through hell trying to keep me alive.
Thankfully, I got the intervention I needed to even see recovery as an option. But the choice to keep going—to stay on this path—is still mine.
The Illusion of Control
Here’s what I’ve learned: the idea that we’re “in control” when we’re deep in our ED? It’s a lie.
Eventually, the eating disorder takes over. You’re no longer the one making the rules — you’re being ruled by it. The numbness that once felt like relief ends up numbing everything, even the good. Even the joyful fruits of the world. Even the memories you’ll never get back.
And that sense of validation? It never lasts. No number on the scale is ever low enough. No amount of praise is ever satisfying for long, while the physical and emotional cost only grows heavier.
What once felt like safety ends up leading you straight to death. I know that sounds extreme, but it’s not. It’s the reality of this illness.
Where I Am Now
Understanding all of this — really understanding it — is what led me to go all-in on recovery.
I’ve accepted that weight gain is part of it. And yeah, it sucks. It messes with my mind. Some days I hate my body. Some days I want to crawl out of my skin. But even in this uncomfortable, in-between place, I’m finding freedom.
I can finally say I have more energy. I’ve been able to eat foods I denied myself for years. And most importantly, I feel present. I can laugh with friends without being bombarded with the thoughts of how fat I look right now, or how many calories I just ate. Are those thoughts still there sometimes? Hell yeah. But now, there are moments where I can make lasting memories and feel a part of something, too.
Now, was it easy? Hell no.
The first few days I went all-in, I binged. I cried. I felt guilt and shame, and the overwhelming urge to relapse as I watched the number on the scale rapidly increase. But after just a week, things have started to settle. My appetite has begun to balance out. I started to eat more like a normal person again. I am nowhere near normal yet, but for the first time in a long time, life feels possible.
Final Thoughts: Choose Yourself
If you’re in this battle too, here’s my reminder: Be kind to yourself and prioritize yourself. You’ve already been through so much, and you are someone who deserves to live a free life.
And if you’re just beginning recovery or are starting recovery again, here is some advice:
Buy some baggy clothes, avoid mirrors if you need to, and let your focus be on healing your mind and soul, not just your body.
Let this be the year we choose ourselves. The year we fight like hell to get our lives back.
So follow along, if you want. I’m on this journey too — learning how to live and love myself again one day at a time.
XOXO,
Laiba <3
