You know that feeling when you believe you are in control but in reality, you are not? That is exactly what it is like to have an eating disorder. Eds work like parasites and latch onto you and follow everywhere you go. Unfortunately, these little parasites have voices that constantly rammer in your head until you eventually give up control. At first, it seems like the voice is there to be your friend. A voice that understands what you desire. A voice that shares mutual goals. A voice that seemed like a friend but that couldn’t have been any farther from the truth.
The friend I thought I had made was bulimia which I realize is a sick notion but it’s how it felt at the time. It was someone that helped me when things got rough and I needed a solution. Someone who kept me going through lonely nights. Someone who finally understood what I felt and wanted. Unfortunately, the solution that “my friend” offered me to resolve my binging issue was just another problem disguised as an illusion of a solution. The moment I accepted the help of my new friend was the exact moment that I completely lost myself. Naturally, this didn’t all happen at once. Many stages lead up to the final slip. The first couple of things to leave me were my energy, my ability to stay warm, and oh my gosh, the worst of it was probably losing my hair which began to fall out in clumps!
However, all those things were menial in terms of significance as I quickly realized just how much of my life I was giving up for a body I’d never achieve. In hopes of distracting myself from the hunger I inflicted on myself, I would doom scroll on Snapchat or Insta only to see people living their lives, making all these memories while I withered away at home. All because I was too enveloped in my own hell of restricting, binging, and purging to have the energy to do anything else. Because of this I had to say goodbye to many friends, sacrificed my academics, and so much more to ensure that my weight kept going down. Even though my days began to blur together, I genuinely felt like I was on top of the world. Despite how physically and mentally draining I found comfort in the habits I created. It had become a routine. One that continued for months on end, each day draining more and more of my life away.
I feel like in today’s world, eating disorders have become glorified and romanticized by social media as something that everyone goes through to achieve a thin physique rather than focusing on the severe health consequences that come with an ed. However, I was in that very position where I believed restricting was just a part of losing weight. I knew that wasn’t true and that what I was doing was unhealthy, but it wasn’t until things hit rock bottom that I realized the gravity of my situation. It was March 9, 2024, and I was sitting in my car after taking my AP Lang exam when I received a call from my dad. Little did I know the news he was about to tell me would turn that day into the worst day of my entire life and that’s coming from someone who had to live through the One-Direction breakup.
The first thing my father said was that you need to go to a hospital right now, your blood work came back and the nurse said it was not good. Naturally, I was in disbelief, like there was no way it could’ve been that bad. So I drove to my pediatric office and asked the nurse for my results and explained to her the situation. She reassured me that couldn’t have been the case but oh how fast her answer changed once she saw my results. With a look of despair plastered on her face, she said, “Your father is right, you need to go to a hospital right now. Your heart could fail any minute.”
My fear was confirmed. I officially ruined my life before I even began to live it. Millions of thoughts raced through my head as I drove back home. The main thought that kept circling back was “I am really going to die?”. I did not want to die, I still had so much I wanted to achieve in life. One thing being on my deathbed made clear was that actions have consequences and that your life being on the line isn’t worth losing weight for. However, at the time I still did not believe that statement and it was something I continued to grapple with once at the hospital. Choices had to be made and I was not ready to make them, but more on that in the next post.
Till then, let me leave you with a reminder. You are worth so much more than a body. Giving into your eating disorder’s voice equals giving up your life as you begin to lose every aspect that makes you human. Don’t let the eating disorder win because God forbid you reach the point where I did and end up on your deathbed. Let me be your example that it is never too late to recover but also that it is never too early to recover as well. You don’t have to reach a certain weight to begin to recover, you can even be at a weight that is considered healthy and still begin recovery.
I believe that is why eating disorders are so confusing. It is not just about the weight. So many factors go into what makes an ED a disorder besides just the physical aspect and that is exactly why recovery is so hard. No one enjoys the hell of having an ED and we wish recovery could be as simple as “just eat”. Many fears are embedded into the process of recovery and that is why people hesitate to recover. That’s why I hesitated to recover. Because I was still left with a choice to make: life or death. Obviously, I chose life and I can definitely say I have no regrets :).
XOXO,
Laiba