Due to the severity of my disorder, getting treatment was partly out of my control. I quite literally would have died if I disapproved of being transferred to an in-patient program. Therefore, after a long night of being in and out of consciousness, surrounded by the headache-inducing lights of an ambulance, and being transferred to my new room in a gurney, I had officially been enrolled into the program and my recovery had begun. Or so I thought…
It was about 3 am when I arrived and settled into “my new home” for what I didn’t know would be a couple of months. There were things I noticed immediately that caused my jaw to drop with how appalled I was. For instance, I was put under monitoring and was not allowed to walk… Like I was legit being pushed around in a wheelchair. Upon my arrival, I was aware that I would be monitored but I thought that meant nurses would check on me regularly but nooooo. I was literally being monitored 24/7 through a camera embedded into the wall.
To make matters worse, the program got exceedingly more intense as the day progressed. I found out I had to be weighed every day at 5 am in nothing but a thin gown (that was hideous mind you) while it was freezing cold, and had 3 monitored meals and a snack that had to be finished otherwise you got “boosted’ (nutritional supplement drink), had to attend therapies, could not use the bathroom without a nurse present, only had 10 minutes to shower, lights out by 10 pm, would have your phone taken away if you got too many warnings, and the list goes on and on. I don’t mean to be dramatic, but it genuinely felt like my rights were stripped away from me. I should’ve argued they were being misogynistic or something so I wouldn’t have to earn my freaking rights back one by one. On top of that, I had been taken away from my friends who all were enjoying life while I was stuck in a hospital trying to gain my life back, but I still managed to push forward with all my might.
Soon, my efforts began to be in vain. With each day getting harder as my pattern (a number that determined how much of each macronutrient I would eat) increased and I saw others who came in after me go home before me, my motivation began to deplete. The triumphant motivation I once had to recover was replaced by thoughts of relapsing. It didn’t help that I felt as if I was being punished with a boost supplement every time I failed to finish my meal, even after visibly trying my hardest. It got even worse to the point where nurses attempted to stick a feeding tube down my nose, by force, and resulted in me having a bloody nose and having to force my supplement down my throat. All because I couldn’t finish my boost supplement earlier due to how full I already was.
Although this program was draining my motivation, my weight still restored at exponential rates due to the severity of my condition and my metabolism being incredibly low. This weight gain brought along a major mental toll and made recovery unbelievably harder. Like dang, as if I wasn’t struggling enough. Anyway, despite the extensive therapy I was given and the medical explanation being reiterated to me about a hundred times, I found myself weaning away from recovery. I noticed that during my time in the program, I began to calculate the calories of everything I requested on the menu to meet my pattern. I paid attention to labels, macronutrients, and portion sizes, and one thing became very clear. I was not recovering.
The time I spent thinking about what it would be like to live normally once I got out quickly changed into a plan to lose weight. This idea became my sole driving force in recovery. Hell, I wouldn’t even call this recovery. It was an intervention that failed miserably and simply became a race to see just how quickly I could get out of the hospital and back to what I considered to be “my normal”.
Unfortunately for me, normal meant going back to restricting and losing weight. So I began plotting my life outside of the hospital. I remember after the therapy sessions that were so pointless because it felt like we were demonizing foods as good and bad. I would plan exactly what I would eat after I got out to avoid such foods. I made meal plans, workout plans, routines to lose weight, all in preparation to go home and start over again.
By the time I made my escape, it became incredibly clear that this program failed to catalyze my recovery. In fact, I believe that the time I spent there only made recovery harder in the long run. One thing however became very clear, I would never be able to recover until I discovered the will inside me that actually wanted to gain her life back. At this point in time, summer of 2024, I had not reached this point, but I gained a new concept that has kept me here to this day. I am someone who has the capability of still recovering. I find this to be a powerful message that all of those struggling with eating disorders should hear.
Recovery is the hardest endeavor I have ever had to take and that is from someone who has raised two kids (my younger brothers). And I am the prime example who shows, recovery is not something that can be done successfully if it is forced upon anyone. You must truly want to recover and have that desire in you to want to take on the monstrous, but so so rewarding journey that lies with recovery.
And that is precisely why I understand now why this program didn’t work and why I relapsed. I went because I wanted to get better, not because I wanted to be forced to get better.
I do however want to clarify that no, I am not saying that you should avoid eating disorder recovery programs as I believe they are a powerful tool in recovery. I am saying that before you begin recovery, ensure that you are recovering for yourself! Otherwise, even after restoring your weight and getting all your vitals back to normal, your e.d will still be there because you never healed your mind. You must believe that you want to recover, otherwise, you’ll end up just like me who relapsed numerous times throughout her journey.
So remember, you should be recovering solely for yourself while the people around you enjoy the fruits of gaining the amazing person you are back :).
XOXO,
Laiba <3