The past month has been nothing short of invigorating. It feels as though I’ve been reborn, starting from scratch and relearning everything, all the way to the basics of eating. At the grown age of 18, I found myself sitting at the dining table trying to summon up the strength to actually feed myself in a nourishing, normal way. It felt bizarre at first, but little by little, the fruits of my determination to push through recovery slowly began to peek through.
I noticed my skin clearing up, glistening with warmth and color rather than looking cold and gray all the time. My mind, once clouded with fog and obsessive calorie counting, finally had space to think freely again. Don’t get me wrong, there are many days when my thoughts are consumed by food, and I want nothing more than to just give up. But life keeps moving on, and each new day offers another chance to get a little stronger, as long as I keep showing up.
One of the most liberating parts of recovery has been feeling like I can finally live again and being able to act normal and take part in life the way my body is meant to! I started enjoying outings with friends and family without that booming voice hammering into my head at an attempt to take over my life. And while that voice— who, in my mind, feels like an annoying man (funny how that works, right?)— hasn’t completely disappeared, he’s grown much fainter in just a month of committing fully to recovery.
Of course, I’ve had my fair share of slip-ups throughout the past month. There are days I feel like a complete stranger in my own skin, uncomfortable in my body, and uncertain. But even that discomfort is easier ot bear than the deep pain and dissatisfaction I felt when I was trapped in my eating disorder. I never want to go back to where I was before— days of restricting calories, overexercising, and breaking down every time I saw a glimpse of my reflection. It simply is just not worth trying to shrink and mold myself into a body it was never meant to be.
They say health is wealth, and they weren’t lying. Yes, recovery takes time, but think about it, so did the development of your ED. Over time, disorders get worse until, unfortunately, some beautiful souls are taken from our world. On the other hand, recovery gets better and easier the longer you stick with it. Eventually, you reach the place we all dream of, feeling normal again :).
I am deeply grateful that I can say that my heart chose to continue beating after my ED nearly stopped it more times than I wish to count. If you’re also someone struggling with an ED, I urge you to take a second to pause and reflect on just how strong and lucky you are to still be here. Yes, things are unbelievably hard right now, but if you choose recovery, I promise you, it will become easier.
You will reach a point where you accept and love your body, not for how it looks, but for everything it allows you to do. To my friends out there reading this and who are still struggling, please choose to take care of yourself. Instead of suffering, you can build your body to be its strongest, healthiest self— and I don’t mean restricting yourself to only “healthy” foods and exercising every day. I mean by truly nourishing your body with balanced, nutrient-dense meals, letting your body rest when you need to, and joyful, positive ways to move your body.
When you do this, you will be amazed as you witness your life drastically shifting for the better. Each and every one of us deserves to live their life to the fullest— savoring all the great foods the world has to offer us, moving our bodies in a way that is energizing, and making many precious memories with our loved ones, free from the shackles of an eating disorder.
I hope that you choose to join me on this life-changing journey. And if you have any questions or simply need someone to listen, please know that I am here for you (my contact info is on my page)💗.
XOXO,
Laiba
