When things “spiral out of control”, they often worsen in a way that feels impossible to regain control. However, that wasn’t my experience. Ironically, as my eating disorder began to spiral, I felt a sense of control like never before. I spent every second of my day calculating how many calories I would eat, measuring each gram of food consumed, and logging everything in my food tracker. This obsession gave me a sense of gratification that I craved, fueling my desire to stay in “control”.
As someone who has been known to be an overachiever, I strived to succeed in every area and when I fell short, I hated myself for it (currently me in physics). One thing I became great at was losing weight, but it reached a point where no matter how much weight I lost, it was never enough. I would always tell myself, “Just five more pounds and I’ll stop.” Yeah, needless to say, it was not just five more pounds, it was more like twenty.
It became clear that I would never find satisfaction with how my body looked or the number on the scale. It was simply really, I had developed an addiction to weight loss, treating it like a game. How much could I restrict to keep losing weight? But soon, the control that gave me so much power slipped out of my grasp. The first time I binged, I felt an overwhelming wave of shame and confusion that I can still vividly recall three years later. Instinctively, I returned to heavy restriction the following day, only to binge again a few days later. This cycle spiraled, and the guilt of binging and losing my progress began to get to my head. In my search for new avenues to relieve the chaos in my head, I turned to a new “friend”—Bulimia.
From this journey, I’ve learned an important truth: there is no such thing as the perfect body. Chasing unrealistic standards— a 20-inch waist, completely flat stomach, clear skin, all while being under 110 pounds— is a fruitless endeavor. A key part of recovery is understanding that our bodies are exactly what they need to be. They are built to protect our organs, give us a vehicle to exist and walk around with, hell, it is what makes you, you. So we shouldn’t be working so tirelessly trying to change them into something they were never meant to be.
We only live in these bodies once. It is essential to cherish, love, and embody it. Embracing this mindset is one of the hardest parts of recovery; it shows that you’re ready to seek help and begin your journey. This realization may seem daunting, well actually, there is no seem, it is in fact very daunting, but it also marks the beginning of healing. A beginning that I encounter soon after I begin to reach the absolute bottom of my spiral, but you’ll have to wait for my next post for more on that :).
In sharing my struggles, I hope that you are able to see that you are not alone in this journey. There are people out in the world, whether it be family or an internet friend (aka me), who want to help you recover. So reach out to accept help and take that first step in gaining back control of your life from your eating disorder.
See ya in the next post where things go downhill but as we know, for things to get better, they have to get worse. Unfortunately for me, they got a lot worse, but hey, it’s all just part of the journey.
XOXO,
Laiba <3